Uncertainty and Impatience are very big words in my life. They were highly defining my experience of life for a very long time. I never particularly liked not knowing what was going to happen, when and how. I was a planner, I needed to be in control. And at the same time I was very bad at waiting for something. I needed things done now and preferably fast. Exhaustion... Anxiety... Stress... Which is no surprise if you are constantly trying to swim against the waves, never making it to the calmer waters because of not getting beyond the big surf.
While being on my journey I slowly learned how to ride the waves instead of swimming against them. I say slowly, because it was and is quite the process. I know that it is way easier to ride the wave and that it will bring me nothing but peace and joy. But it is also one of the hardest things for me to do, and quite frankly it sometimes just really scares me. When I see this big wave of uncertainty looming right in front of me, threatening to come down with full force, I feel an urge to run away. Running away from uncertainty just means trying to create control in a world of no control, a useless, and time and energy consuming activity. Swimming against the wave... And so, I don't do that anymore, or at least I catch myself early on in the swim.
After my burst of possibility after the New Year, I have felt the wave of uncertainty approaching in the past couple of weeks. No plans to be made, no visits, no travel, no control. I saw it coming and I have been very mindful of not letting this wave take me down. Because that is the danger of these waves: if we try to swim against them, if we try to run away, they have a tendency to take us down. And once we are caught in the swirling spiral of the wave, it takes a lot of energy to get out again. And so I grab my courage and strength, my intuitive wisdom and trust, and I climb on my board to ride the wave. It is on top of that board, riding the wave, that I can see the calmer waters in the distance.
And that is when I also have to start riding the wave of impatience! Because I know that if I am going to rush to get to those calmer waters, I will create situations that are going to make it more difficult and probably even slow myself down. I might fall off the board, or end up in a storm. Patience is what is going to make my board more stable, my legs stronger and my experience richer. Riding this wave of impatience is going to bring me important teachings, of that I am sure. And I know that sometimes I will feel a bit wobbly on my board, not sure if I can continue riding these waves. But then I take a moment of rest, ask for support, and sure enough find myself again steadily riding the wave.
I have had a few wobbly moments in the past couple of weeks, not sure if I would be able to stay upright on my board and keep riding those huge waves of uncertainty and impatience. I can imagine that many of you are feeling the same way. Impatient for hugs and get togethers with friends. Impatient for life to open up again. Impatient for this looming uncertainty of our future to just go away. And I just wanted to tell you that, although the wave may seem daunting and impossible to ride, it is absolutely worth it to climb on your board and start surfing. Don't waste your time trying to swim against these waves, it will only make them seem bigger and more daunting. You can do this. Ride the waves, keep going and enjoy the view of the calm waters in the distance.