I had no idea that I still had so many anchor points outside of me that I was relying on. Over the past few weeks I have been moving through feelings of unease and anxiety and because of the journey that I have been on for many years now, I did not run from them but acknowledged them and dove into them. I know that when darkness presents itself, it is an opportunity for me to take my journey a step further. Never forget that it is in the darkness under ground that the beautiful trees find their nourishment to grow and shine. My journey into my essence has taught me that darkness is an essential part of the experience of life. These are our moments of expansion.
As I was diving into these feelings last week I saw that I was floating in a void and there seemed to be nothing to hold on to. I realized how my gatherings with my children, my dinners out with my husband, my coffee meetings with friends, my trips to the mall had been anchor points. In reality there wasn't really all that much that had changed for me: I am always working from home anyway, I could still go for a walk with my dog, I was still having dinner with my husband at home, I was still seeing my children on Messenger or Zoom. And still... there was this void. Another one of my anchor points was the trips I was planning and looking forward to: going to see my family and friends in Belgium, walking the Camino in Spain, London with my goddaughter. All gone without any certainty of when or even whether they would happen. The keyword here being certainty. I realized that the void was there because I was looking for certainty that was nowhere to be found. There is safety to be found in routine and when all my habitual anchor points fell away, I was lost for a moment.
Until I remembered that my only true anchor point is to be found inside of me. Until I remembered that there is no certainty about anything anyway, that is just an illusion created by the mind. These anchor points just gave me a sense of certainty that never existed anyway. The only real safety is found within. This does not mean that the feelings of unease and anxiety don't pop up, it just means that I know where to go when they do. In the stillness of me is where I find the solid ground to rest on. It is where my roots are anchoring me in the knowing that everything is OK. The void is nothing to be scared of, it is merely a portal to a new experience. I am moving through the void again so that I can deepen the anchoring in myself and expand even more into my true self.
We are moving through a time of overwhelming and massive change and I think it is quite normal to feel unsettled and anxious. Change is very uncomfortable for our controlling mind. We are left with nothing but ourselves. Nothing left to distract us from our deepest fears, nowhere to go but within. For those of us that have already done some work on the journey, going within may be less of a challenge than for those of us who have never met themselves. What I can say is that I used to be the one that ran away from herself, then came to meet and embrace herself and now is pushed into an even deeper knowing of herself. We are all moving through this portal and we all have the knowledge inside of us to guide us. We are asked to go within so that we can find the answers we are looking for. And yes, sometimes it is scary and overwhelming. That is part of the journey. What I know for sure is that Mother Nature is always my most powerful guide in leading me to myself and to that solid ground. As I am moving through this portal, I am walking, gardening, digging, listening to the song of the birds, soaking up the sun on my face and listening to the wind whooshing through the trees. I am guided to my anchor points of gratitude, love and connection, all shining their light brightly within me.